Sit. Stay!

Many of us have remained home during the pandemic (essentially, “sitting” and “staying” ourselves) and our pets have been right alongside us.  Sitting in our laps during yet another Zoom meeting.   Barking at the delivery person in an attempt to protect the household from the dangers of online shopping.   Snuggling on the couch as we binge-watch Netflix.

Helping us, just by their presence, cope with the collective grief of a world gone sideways.

But, what happens when we have to say goodbye to our loyal companions?  If you have experienced the death of a beloved furry family member – either during the pandemic or before – this message is written for you, to provide space for understanding and honoring the unique grief that comes with pet loss.

If you are grieving the loss of your fuzzy friend – or finny or feathery friend – know that your grief is utterly normal.  We grieve because we love!  Grieving is a part of the human experience, in which we simply miss something or someone that is no longer present with us.  You may, however, feel that your unique grief over the death of your animal companion isn’t recognized by others.  Ken Doka, a well-known grief researcher, calls this disenfranchised grief.  Disenfranchised grief occurs when society fails to acknowledge some types of grief as legitimate, making it a challenge to fully express your grief or navigate through it.

If you’ve felt dismissed by others, or if you’re even doubting your “right” to grieve when others’ losses seem greater, you may risk prolonging your grief.  Here’s the thing: we all need to grieve our losses, small, medium, and large.  If we don’t, grief “squishes out” (that’s the clinical term I use!) anyway, often through symptoms of anxiety, depression, and distress in relationships.

So, how do you move through your disenfranchised grief?  

1.     Find support of those who do get it.  There are many others who have had to say a painful goodbye to a beloved pet.  A friend who can sympathize.  An online community for pet loss.  A counselor who specializes in grief.  Grief shared is a burden lightened.

2.     Create a meaningful ritual.  We don’t often have funerals or celebrations of life for our family pets, like we do for humans.  You may need to create your own ritual, such as planting a tree in your dog’s favorite spot in the yard, or by putting a plant in the sunny window where your cat used to lounge.

3.     Continue to share memories of your beloved companion.  It is in the memories that our loved ones continue on.  When our Siberian husky, Bandit, died several years ago, my husband and I intentionally (and quickly) wrote out our many memories of him – especially the funny ones that were such a part of his personality.  When we need to feel connected to Bandit, we read through the memories and laugh over the many quirky things he did.  We allow ourselves to feel the sadness, too, because that’s just as legitimate a part of the grief. 

While these ideas above will not resolve your grief, they may help you move through it in a way that honors the love present in your relationship with your pet – the unconditional love that our beloved animals give us, and that which we try to return the best we can. 

Written by Michelle Caulk, LPC, LMHC, NCC